Having a purpose means having something deep within yourself. Something that you are able to “feel”, to visualize. Something that inspires you, gives you direction, tells you where you should direct your energy.
This is not about goals or wishes.
This is about having an unshakable vision in your mind.
It does not need to have a specific shape. It just needs to be vividly present in your mind. It should be a clear image that makes you see the future as reality.
It is a mental state that takes you from the present to the future.
It is an oracle. It helps you discover the right attitudes for your journey. It helps you put up with what you dislike. It helps you take action.
This is necessary because, when there is an expectation, the brain structures anticipate a reward even greater than the one experienced when achieving the desired result.
Why Charisma?
Charisma summarises a set of behaviours whose magic is to provide a pleasurable mood: joy, fulfilment, happiness, enthusiasm, love, confidence.
This is about being able to charm, persuade, fascinate or seduce people.
And it is about behaviours that can be trained.
Let us talk about people with lots of charisma.
They are self-confident, creative, cheerful, proactive, approachable. They tell stories about inspiring experiences. And they have higher self-esteem, better health, more intelligence, and they take legitimate interest in others.
There is more to be said.
These people know how to read the room, encourage conversation, accept criticism. They avoid talking nonsense. They take risks. They change their minds when they are wrong. They see opportunities in threats, being the moderate optimists that they are. They listen, lead people, talk about ideas, share experiences. They earn the trust of others.
Our lives unfold between behaviours that are appreciated and others that are despised. The difference between the former and the latter depends on how the person on the other side perceives them, as well as the observed circumstances.
Thus, joy can turn into arrogance, confidence can turn into intimidation, and love can turn into jealousy.
In short, pleasure can turn into pain and vice-versa, if the energy is out of proportion with whatever needs to be done to achieve the desired result.
“All things are lawful unto me, but all things are not expedient.” — Paul of Tarsus
If you wish to build charisma, list the attributes that constitute charisma. You should rank them by how important each attribute is to people, then assess your strengths and weaknesses in relation to these attributes, and then look for ways to train each of them.
Virtues are the character-building, positive attributes of the individual.
My Friend Lewis
I met Lewis Edwards in my final year at university, and we soon became close friends. He made friends easily and worked his charm on people. The more fortunate among us—those who were born wealthy, attractive and intelligent—would envy the crowds who gathered around him to listen to his stories. I could often hear comments such as “that guy was born lucky”, “I don’t know what is it that girls see in that poor, ugly guy” or “women like to suffer”.
It had nothing to do with any of those things. It was the way he was in life. That is what made the difference.
I once asked him the reason behind his “magic”. He smiled and told me:
“I was at second grade of secondary school. On a cold winter’s Monday, I stepped into school and heard Frank say, as he always did: ‘here comes the lame duck’. I came to a stop. As if by magic, I was overwhelmed by all the thoughts that had accompanied me since the first day I was bullied, threatened, and even physically abused, when I was still in primary school. I felt as if I were some court jester, the least important of all beings. I never understood why, no matter how hard I tried. I tried to be humble, helpful. I tried to accept the aggression, but it never worked.
A great, great sadness I felt, blasted away the little energy I had to get to school. And then, followed by uncontrollable anger. I decided I would not study any more, and then I left. As I walked home, I began to think about what my parents would say once they found out about it.”
“As I passed by Mr Antoine’s bookshop, I decided to walk in. There was a book glowing in front of me. The title read ‘A path to success’. I held out my hand, but suddenly I saw another one next to it: ‘The magic of charisma’. I was so mesmerised. Mr Antoine noticed it and came to me. ‘Would you like to have the book?’
I looked at him, despite all the embarrassment, and told him that I would indeed like to have the book, but that I could not afford it. He knew that my father was a poor watchman who worked in a decaying garage.”
“His compassion was made evident by his facial expression. He made me an offer: he would lend me the book if I promised to keep it in mint condition and return it in two days. There were already tears in my eyes by the time I thanked him.
I rushed back home, lined the cover of the book with wrapping paper and started to read it, with all due caution. By the time I turned the last page, the rays of the sun were already leaking through the gaps in the boards that covered the window. I took so many notes as I read the book that, at a certain point, I had to write with smaller letters, lest I ran out of pages to write on.
This book saved me.”
“What do you mean?” — I asked.
“I shall tell you” — he continued the story.
“On that day, my body was brimming with some kind of energy that I had never felt before. I decided to put into practice the teachings that let me fall asleep. The first sentence I wrote down said: ‘The important thing is not to discover your talent, nor to have motivation or willpower. The important thing is to evolve from life you live to the life you desire.”
“The next day, I took the book and set off to return it to Mr Antoine and thank him for letting me have it. I was still wearing the previous day’s clothes. I did not even take them off.
Then I went to school. I walked in, head upright, and I was greeted by Frank’s taunts, as those around him laughed to them. I put on a happy smile, as determined as someone who has a purpose and is beginning the journey towards it. A year later, those boys confessed to me they thought that was a rather strange smile.”
I insisted. “And what was your plan?”
“I paid little attention to the lessons on that day. My mind was carried away by all the ideas I had.
I went home so quickly that I was out of breath when I arrived. I decided to calm down by heeding to that old piece of advice that says ‘if you have to eat an elephant, eat it one bite at a time’. I wanted to eat it all, in one go! With great difficulty, I managed to contain myself. I took a deep breath, again and again, and then I listed, by order of importance, the attributes that I needed to train in order to become charismatic enough to turn the tables. I then chose what I considered to be essential and important at the time, and so I had four things to work with. I sought information on exercises with which I could train these skills. I drew up a plan for each one of them, taking into account the difficulty and my ability to train it, without backing down or apologising. I made a commitment to each training session and planned it so that I would never back down. As I began to feel the effects of this new behaviour in my life, my self-confidence and my energy increased.”
“As I turned each behaviour into a habit, I did the same thing with the next attribute I had to train.
At the same time, I wrote down my beliefs, taking note of the premises used in my strategy. Things such as ‘create commitments that cannot be put off’, ‘leave in three seconds’ and ‘never back down’.
Whenever I dabbled in laziness or feared I could no longer continue, whenever I tried to put off some task, I would recall the times of suffering I would never wish to return to. And then I would recall a certain phrase. ‘The courage to face it.’ And so I set off, determined to carry on.
Over time, I turned each of the attributes into a habit. Today, everything is easy. It comes naturally.
I began to enjoy the effort I put into each training session.”
“My beliefs, my strategies and my actions, for each of the purposes that I have incorporated into my life, had developed and perfected themselves.
I understood the importance of setting the purpose, of making a diagnosis of the situation, and then planning what to do, what to monitor, why and how.”
This involved managing expectations, redirecting focus and, above all, learning to feel.
This whole process gathered pace when I began to study biology and neuroscience, which led me to the realisation that it is the homeostatic system that lies at the root of everything that is essential to any life. We can learn from it without fear of making mistakes.
And so I was ready to get to work”.